By La Chona

HOLA MIS Hijos! Your lovely—and, oh yeah, sexy—La Chona is ready to guide you through the last year of the 20th Century. So for starters, my best advice for you is to keep your New Year’s resolutions. It might be hard, especially for those who want to lose weight, find a better man, or stop saying men are dogs, but you can do it! My 1999 resolution is to really use my gym membership so that I can fit into that tiny thong bikini by summertime—and honey, let me tell you—La Chona’s got a long way to go before she’ll make that fit!



 ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Sticking to your fitness goals has paid off! You will be “it”—the vida de la fiesta. You’ll be doing tons of socializing and everyone will be saying, “¡Tu cuerpo está caliente!” Throw away your old Sears threads and go for the Armani instead. You have what it takes to be a shining star, so go out, have a blast, and show ‘dem boys the papi chulo that you are.


 TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Give your cheating boyfriend one more chance. Remember he’s the only one who really knows your deepest secrets, so hear him out. If you stick with the relationship, La Chona predicts you’ll have great times ahead—the way you’ve always envisioned it. Oh! One more thing, put yourself back in control of your finances. Do your taxes early so that you’ll avoid a lot of stress and avoid singing the April 15th blues.


 GEMINI (May 21-June 21)

You’re on your way to a promotion and more money! Take time to celebrate! Treat your man to a romantic evening of roses, candle-light dinner, soft music, and a sensual massage followed by hot, know what! And don’t worry, if he’s not in the mood, just pick up the phone and your sexy La Chona will be there for you in a silky red night gown.


 CANCER (June 22-July 22)

You have unsolved mysteries in your life. Take out your Fisher Price detective kit and solve those mysteries before they pull you down. Settle some old arguments with your old friends—even the people who have spread rumors about you and every guy you’ve ever dated. Once you free yourself from the past, your heart will be open and a new man will come into your life—someone (perhaps a Gemini) who will buy you flowers and invite you to fancy restaurants.


 LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)

People are spreading gossip about your man! Confront your man because if you don’t, there could be some trouble in paradise. If he refuses to tell you the truth, chain him to the bed and just use the famous patented La Chona stare—you know, the one with your lips puckered, and your eyebrows raised. Nobody can resist this mature woman’s look. Keep the faith, papi, and unlock those secrets.


 VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)

Save your money and buy something you can be proud of—like a new car, or even a house! Tell your man to treat you like the lady you are, oops! I mean, like the papi chulo you are—and that means buying you a special gift, too! It’s time for him to pamper you by driving you everywhere, opening the doors for you, and throwing his jacket across muddy puddles of water—just for you being you!


 LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)

Stop reading your man like a book! If you detect a new cologne on his body, don’t jump to conclusions. Give him the benefit of the doubt because La Chona knows you like to find things to fight about. But if your man starts downplaying your relationship and starts introducing you to others as “just a friend” then beware—your relationship could be headed for trouble.


 SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Think big! Oh you—I’m talking about career-wise. Look for jobs that pay 10K more than what you’re making, and just remember you don’t have to live in New York, Chicago, Miami, or LA to find these jobs. Oh yeah, when it comes to your man not buying you what you want, instead of saying, “My boyfriend’s a cheap skate,” think big with your words and say, “He’s not parsimonious, he’s just impecunious.” You’ll find yourself on top in no time. How fabulous, que no?


 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

La Chona’s enquiring mind wants to know why you’ve been feeling lonely lately. Is it because another year has passed and you’re feeling older? Don’t worry, sweetie, age is nothing but a number. As time goes by, you only get wiser: you handle problems better, you become smarter, you earn more money, and you get better in bed! Ay papi!


 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

We all know you’re struggling for cash so stop singing “She works hard for the money.” Get rid of your Amex, Discover, Master Card, Visa card, and other things that cause you to spend money—even if it means getting rid of your high maintenance boyfriend. Afterwards, join a gym, pump up the music, and sweat the stress out of your life. You’ll be physically, mentally, and financially ahead of the game by summertime.


 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your “player” days are finally over as it looks like you’re getting very serious with your man. But don’t let his “average” looks affect your relationship. It’s his heart that counts. If you remember this, you just might be hearing wedding bells pretty soon. In fact, your lovely La Chona is already picturing you walking down that aisle—you in a beautiful white dress.


 PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s National Latino Coming Out Day for you so open the door, come out of the closet, and live a little. Drop those heavy chains off your back and try something adventurous—something like bungee jumping. You’ll have a blast! Remember your lovely La Chona tried it once? Honey, it wasn’t a pretty sight, especially when my polka-dotted dress flew up and over my pretty face!


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