By La Chona
HOLA MIS Hijos! Your lovelyand, oh yeah, sexyLa
Chona is ready to guide you through the last year of the 20th
Century. So for starters, my best advice for you is to keep your
New Years resolutions. It might be hard, especially for
those who want to lose weight, find a better man, or stop saying
men are dogs, but you can do it! My 1999 resolution is to really
use my gym membership so that I can fit into that tiny thong
bikini by summertimeand honey, let me tell youLa
Chonas got a long way to go before shell make that
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Sticking to your fitness goals has paid off! You will be itthe
vida de la fiesta. Youll be doing tons of socializing and
everyone will be saying, ¡Tu cuerpo está caliente!
Throw away your old Sears threads and go for the Armani instead.
You have what it takes to be a shining star, so go out, have
a blast, and show dem boys the papi chulo that you are.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Give your cheating boyfriend one more chance. Remember hes
the only one who really knows your deepest secrets, so hear him
out. If you stick with the relationship, La Chona predicts youll
have great times aheadthe way youve always envisioned
it. Oh! One more thing, put yourself back in control of your
finances. Do your taxes early so that youll avoid a lot
of stress and avoid singing the April 15th blues.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Youre on your way to a promotion and more money! Take
time to celebrate! Treat your man to a romantic evening of roses,
candle-light dinner, soft music, and a sensual massage followed
by hot, passionate...you know what! And dont worry, if
hes not in the mood, just pick up the phone and your sexy
La Chona will be there for you in a silky red night gown.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You have unsolved mysteries in your life. Take out your Fisher
Price detective kit and solve those mysteries before they pull
you down. Settle some old arguments with your old friendseven
the people who have spread rumors about you and every guy youve
ever dated. Once you free yourself from the past, your heart
will be open and a new man will come into your lifesomeone
(perhaps a Gemini) who will buy you flowers and invite you to
LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
People are spreading gossip about your man! Confront your
man because if you dont, there could be some trouble in
paradise. If he refuses to tell you the truth, chain him to the
bed and just use the famous patented La Chona stareyou
know, the one with your lips puckered, and your eyebrows raised.
Nobody can resist this mature womans look. Keep the faith,
papi, and unlock those secrets.
VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Save your money and buy something you can be proud oflike
a new car, or even a house! Tell your man to treat you like the
lady you are, oops! I mean, like the papi chulo you areand
that means buying you a special gift, too! Its time for
him to pamper you by driving you everywhere, opening the doors
for you, and throwing his jacket across muddy puddles of waterjust
for you being you!
LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Stop reading your man like a book! If you detect a new cologne
on his body, dont jump to conclusions. Give him the benefit
of the doubt because La Chona knows you like to find things to
fight about. But if your man starts downplaying your relationship
and starts introducing you to others as just a friend
then bewareyour relationship could be headed for trouble.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Think big! Oh youIm talking about career-wise.
Look for jobs that pay 10K more than what youre making,
and just remember you dont have to live in New York, Chicago,
Miami, or LA to find these jobs. Oh yeah, when it comes to your
man not buying you what you want, instead of saying, My
boyfriends a cheap skate, think big with your words
and say, Hes not parsimonious, hes just impecunious.
Youll find yourself on top in no time. How fabulous, que
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
La Chonas enquiring mind wants to know why youve
been feeling lonely lately. Is it because another year has passed
and youre feeling older? Dont worry, sweetie, age
is nothing but a number. As time goes by, you only get wiser:
you handle problems better, you become smarter, you earn more
money, and you get better in bed! Ay papi!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
We all know youre struggling for cash so stop singing
She works hard for the money. Get rid of your Amex,
Discover, Master Card, Visa card, and other things that cause
you to spend moneyeven if it means getting rid of your
high maintenance boyfriend. Afterwards, join a gym, pump up the
music, and sweat the stress out of your life. Youll be
physically, mentally, and financially ahead of the game by summertime.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your player days are finally over as it looks
like youre getting very serious with your man. But dont
let his average looks affect your relationship. Its
his heart that counts. If you remember this, you just might be
hearing wedding bells pretty soon. In fact, your lovely La Chona
is already picturing you walking down that aisleyou in
a beautiful white dress.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Its National Latino Coming Out Day for you so open the
door, come out of the closet, and live a little. Drop those heavy
chains off your back and try something adventuroussomething
like bungee jumping. Youll have a blast! Remember your
lovely La Chona tried it once? Honey, it wasnt a pretty
sight, especially when my polka-dotted dress flew up and over
my pretty face!
Be sure to get the full vibe!
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