Sexo Amoroso

by Carlos Manuel
Photo by Luther Orrick-Guzman

"It's over!" I say to myself. "He's done! He was good. Come to think of it, he's been the best! God! And his body is so muscular, so strong. Y esos brazos: incredibles! I like his face too: sharp, clean, masculine looking. His eyes: big, negros y hechizeros. And let's not forget the legs: long, big, and muscular, just like his arms. He is a great lover--no doubt he's done this a hundred times before. He's the ideal man. El hombre soñado; everyone's fantasy. And the best thing of all, he's mine--at least for tonight."

That was me a few years ago. I had not been in a relationship for a long time. I had dated here and there, but there had been no novio. That particular night, I had been invited to a friend's party. Once there, I met many guys, most of them good looking and very nice, but no one really compared to Julio. He was an aspiring graduate student visiting my university. He was tall and very attractive. To be honest, at first I thought I had seen him in a magazine ad. He had all the qualifications to be a model: the attractive face, the charismatic smile, ojos hechizeros, the expected height, and the perfect body. Después de conocernos, we both talked about this and that, and soon we were pretty much all over each other. Later, once the party had quieted down, I invited him over to my place, and well, we ended up having un encuentro sexual incredible.

I remember every detail of that night-every movement and every word we said to each other. We both knew things were not going to repeat again, but that didn't matter because that night was ours, and there was no way we were going to waste it on future regrets. Recuerdo his touch, his caresses, his sexuality. Recuerdo his kisses and the passion as he sent me to cloud nine and into a different dimension. I remember thinking that he had become the best lover and the best encounter ever. And yet, with all the wonderful and incredible moments I experienced that night, I still remember something was missing. Back then, I didn't know what it was, and honestly, I didn't care. I was sexually happy and to me, that was all that mattered.

But today, and in looking back, I realize what I was missing: a committed relationship. Now, I am in a committed relationship and I see the difference. My partner Miguel and I are very open and honest about each other. Once in a while hablamos del pasado, our experiences, what we thought of them, and what we think of them now. We talk about our ex-boyfriends and the types of relationships we had with them. And every time we talk about our past experiences, we always end up saying to each other, "What we had back then was good, but it doesn't compare to what we have now."

When Miguel and I are not together, I usually take time to think about the things we talk about. I wonder about what we said and what it means to the both of us. Most of the time, I ponder and question why it is that we always end up agreeing that none of our past relationships or sexual experiences compare to what he and I enjoy now. Nevertheless, I have never talked to Miguel about Julio, and until now, I've never stopped to think about why I haven't mentioned that experience to him. Mi encuentro con Julio wasn't a bad experience, and it isn't something I am ashamed of or regret. I've just never mentioned it. To me, a sexual experience can be something that one can cherish for many years or something one can forget as soon as it happens.

I was sexually active by the time I was a teenager en la secundaria. From those secundaria years, I remember that some of the sexual encounters with my classmates simply happened-they were not planned, but spontaneous. Other experiences were predetermined. From the "unexpected ones," I still remember the excitement of being with someone who liked to do what I liked, at least for the time being. I remember the uncontrollable feelings as the other person and I touched each other, exploring every inch of our hungry, inexperienced bodies. I remember the fear of not really knowing what or how to do something. To me, those encounters carried me to fantasy worlds with never ending stories and happy endings. From the ones that were planned, however, I remember that the excitement wasn't as strong because the fear to the unknown wasn't as deep, and very seldom was there a fantasy to keep forever.

While growing up, my sexual encounters were limited and restrained. This happened for three reasons. For one, coming to terms with my own homosexuality was not very easy. I was one of those college kids who knew I liked the guys on the soccer team, but dared not to even look at them for fear to be discovered. Second, there was the issue of whom to trust. After all, what guys liked what I liked? And third, la enfermedad del SIDA had me very scared. Still, there were some sexual encounters which I cherish, like the time one of my college roommates came back to the dorm drunk (eso dijo él), and he asked me to go down on him; or like the time a male friend unexpectedly kissed me on the mouth because he felt I needed to feel someone's lips against mine. Or the time when one of my roommates was hosting a visiting student, and while my roommate was out with his girlfriend, I made sure our male guest wasn't alone. Pero no me juzguen. My college experiences can be counted with the fingers on my two hands. Those sexual encounters did not happen every weekend, or every month. I can honestly say that, for four years of college, my sexual life was not a priority. And just the same as in la secundaria, some of those experiences were worth remembering while others were soon forgotten.

I am sure that I don't need to tell any of you out there that having a sexual encounter can be a pleasurable experience. The idea of simply having sex (whether it is with a female or male partner) is exciting. Once you find yourself--once you've defined what you like and what you look for in someone else, once you become honest with your feelings and your sexuality--a sexual encounter with another man can be a rewarding experience. But when a sexual encounter with another man is mixed with love and passion, the experience reaches the incomprehensible. Sex with another man is good, but sex with the man you love is beyond comparison. The way a masculine man makes another man feel when they both touch can create a sudden shock in their bodies; but the way two masculine men touch each other, when they are in love, is electrifying. One man can bring out the wild side of another man during sex; but when two men are in love, they can bring out the most remote and unknown desire while experiencing each other's manhood. And that is exactly what I was missing when I had my sexual encounter with Julio, el dios argentino. I was missing the wild side together with the sudden shocks as we took pleasure in our sexual encounter. The excitement and fears to the unknown were there, and so was the passion, yet something was missing: love.

I know once I am done with this story, my boyfriend Miguel will read it. He'll probably wonder why I never said anything about Julio. He'll discover, as I have discovered, that although that experience was a great encounter, it was not the best. Miguel will discover that even though Julio created a sudden shock in my body, he didn't create the electrifying touch Miguel and I have when we're together. He'll discover that even though Julio brought out the wild side in me for a night, he didn't bring out the most remote and unknown desires Miguel and I bring to each other. Miguel will also discover how incredible he makes me feel and how wonderful it is to experience a sexual encounter with another man. And not just another man, but a man who shares the same compassion, the same tenderness, and the same love. Miguel will discover that when we are together, we are not only experiencing an incredible sexual encounter--to be cherished for a lifetime, but we are creating a never ending story with a happy ending y con un sexo amoroso.

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