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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
What are you doing with your money, mijo? You’re so wasteful
that you’re driving yourself into bankruptcy faster than
American Airlines! You should start saving your money and make
smarter purchases. And one more thing, stop eating out! All those
dinners at those nice restaurants are killing your budget. Get
a cookbook and start making some gourmet meals of your own! |
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TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
Wow, all your determination is just about to pay off! Your financial
investments are going to ripen and wealth will be coming into
your life very soon. So what you gotta do now is prepare yourself
for it mentally. Tell yourself that it’s okay to be rich,
and don’t fear having lots of money. Just stay grounded and
don’t forget where you’ve come from. Other than that,
enjoy life in the fast lane! |
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GEMINI
(May 21-June 21)
Baby, I know you don’t want to be known as a “queen,”
but sometimes when you butch it up too much it looks kind of fake!
There’s nothing wrong with being femme or butch, but don’t
try to be something you’re not—just act yourself. If
you want to go out and see a not-so-macho film like “Legally
Blonde 2,” don’t be embarrassed. Keep in touch with
your feminine and masculine sides and forget about what other
people think! |
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CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
Another birthday has come upon you and it seems like you’re
coming down with a case of the “Mid-midlife Crisis.”
You know, the mid-point to being middle aged. There’s no
need to fear, papa—everyone will age. So enjoy your life
while you’re still young and go out and have some fun. You’re
too young to worry about age. I mean, when you turn 80 years old,
then you can complain about it, but until then live it up! |
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LEO
(July 23-Aug. 23)
You’re such a germ-ophobic! You’re afraid to go anywhere
or touch anything for fear of getting sick. And now with SARS
out there, it’s driving you crazy. Don’t stress so much
about it, papi. It’s cool to be careful but there’s
no reason to shelter yourself from people. Go out—carry a
can of Lysol if you have to—and live life. Believe me, if
you stress about it, the stress will kill you before the germs
will. |
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VIRGO
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
You’re Mr. Popular. Yup, all the handsome, cool guys want
to hang out with you and be your friend. It must be your animal
magnetism. Or maybe it’s just your friendly, positive attitude.
Well, good job on maintaining such a great outlook on life. Just
keep it up and even better things will come your way—perhaps
even that fine papi you’ve had your eye on for the last few
months! |
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LIBRA
(Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Work! Work! Work! Is that what life is all about? No! There’s
more to life than that! If you really want to learn how to get
out of the 9 to 5 cycle, then let me give you a big tip. Check
out a game called “Cashflow 101” by Robert Kiyosaki.
Even though it’s just a game, it will teach you a lot about
investing and getting out of the day-to-day rat race. I’m
telling you, get it, play it, and you’ll be on your way to
financial freedom. |
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SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Don’t you wish there was some sort of TiVo for your life
where you could filter out trivial things? It seems like you spend
too much time doing things that don’t really get you ahead
of schedule. Well, one thing you can do is take steps to organize
your life. Start using a day planner and use it to make “To
Do” lists. Then, make sure you complete those tasks daily.
If you can stay on top of things, life will run much, much smoother
for you. |
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SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Hey, stop checking out the guys everywhere! Why? Because you already
have a good man at home! Well, chulo, if you can’t control
yourself, then you need to ask yourself why you are in a relationship
in the first place! Dawg, you owe it to yourself to be a man of
dignity, a man who can respect everyone, and a man who can be
faithful. That’s the kind of guy I want to see. |
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CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Look out! I see a marriage coming your way! Who would have thought
that the playa in you would ever settle down? Now the only question
is who is the lucky man you’re going to spend the rest of
your life with? It’s actually going to be someone you never
imagined you’d be with. But what’s going to be so special
about it is that you’ll be both friends and lovers. Let me
be the first to congratulate you and your man in your new life! |
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AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You are a truly gifted individual. You have many talents hidden
inside you that you might not even know you had. It’s time
to discover those talents. Pursue some new hobbies—whether
it’s singing, dancing, writing, or drawing. There’s
an artist in you that is waiting to be unleashed. Who knows? It
may even lead you to an exciting new career! |
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PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)
Good job, papi! You’ve been going to the gym regularly for
months now, and it’s really starting to show! Not to mention
you’ve been eating so healthy! Well, I just wanted to say
that it’s okay to splurge once in a while! So if, once a
week or so, you want a candy bar or some Thrifty’s Cookies
and Cream ice cream, then go for it! One tiny step of enjoyment
won’t hinder the huge progress that you’re making with
your body. Bon appétit |
