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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
It’s getting cold outside...so where’s your man? What?
You don’t have one! What about those winter nights coming
up? What about sleeping by the fireplace with him? If you’re
tired of being alone, then get out of the house, and meet some
eligible QV bachelors! You deserve to know what it’s like
to have a soul mate...so put yourself out there—and be open
to falling in love! |
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TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
Are you heterophobic? You know, that’s when you are afraid
of going to straight places! I say that because you only go to
QV clubs, hang out with QV people, live a QV life, and don’t
want to have to deal with anything straight! Well, get out of
the closet! It’s not healthy to be a phobic. Go to a straight
bar, befriend a straight guy, and see that it’s okay to live
in a straight world! You owe it to yourself to open your mind!
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GEMINI
(May 21-June 21)
Why are you so rude? You’re always putting other people down
just to make yourself feel better! Well, stop that nonsense and
start treating people with a little more respect! Why do I say
that? Because one of these days, you’re going to need help,
and it will be one of those people you put down who will be in
a position to make or break you! So start making friends with
everyone—even with your enemies! |
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CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
You’re thinking about changing careers? Well, do it! Go back
to school, find a new career goal, and get your master’s
degree in it! It has been said that in your lifetime, you will
have about seven careers...so don’t limit yourself into thinking
that the career you have right now will be the only one. If you
want a change, then just “Do it!” |
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LEO
(July 23-Aug. 23)
Boy, you sure love technology. You’ve got your fancy cell
phone that hooks up to your PDA and lets you check your e-mail.
You can even listen to the radio on it! Not to mention, you got
your top-of-the-line home computer with a super fast DSL connection.
But with all these communications capabilities, why are you not
communicating with your family. Change that! Pick up the phone
and reach out to your mom, dad, brother, and sister! Show ’em
that you still care! |
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VIRGO
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Wow, papi, you’re looking good! I’ve seen you with a
2-pack, 4-pack, and now you did it...you got the 6-pack. Everyone
is after you...but let me tell you...don’t be shallow. You
spent all this time on your body...but just as important, spend
time on your mind. Keep learning, keep your mind active—learn
new stuff like computers, finance, business...or whatever! Not
only will you have the body, but also the brains! A well-rounded
papi! |
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LIBRA
(Sept. 24-oct. 22)
You deserve a special treat! So let me ask you, “Would you
like some steamed vegetables?” What? Hell no? Then go to
the store and spoil yourself with some milk and Oreo cookies right
now! Why the special treatment? Because you’re always giving
to others, and it’s about time that you start giving to yourself,
at least for tonight. You’ve earned it. So live it up—and
treat yourself the way you treat others! |
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SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Money troubles are coming your way...so prepare for it! Cancel
your cell phone, at least until this hardship passes! What, you
can’t? You signed on for a year? Well, then, papi, cut back
on the fast-food! You don’t need a Big Mac, especially when
you can eat something cheaper like frijoles, rice, chicken, and
tuna! Not only will you be cutting back on your spending, you’ll
also be cutting back on your fat-intake! Not a bad idea. Kill
two birds with one stone! |
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SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Are you the more intellectual type? You like playing chess, furthering
your education...and you have an I.Q. of over 150. And what about
your boyfriend? You say you can’t communicate with him because
he’s at a lower level than you are. If that’s the case,
then why are you with him? Oh...you are in love! If you are in
love, then you gotta compromise. Don’t try to change him
for what he is not! If he’s not as smart as you are, or if
you can’t communicate well with him, and if you can’t
handle that, then get rid of him! |
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CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Is it true that you want to be a millionaire? Well, you are not
going to be if you keep on spending your money on unnecessary
things! Instead of buying a Porsche, buy a Geo, you know, something
functional—and invest the rest of the money! Instead of buying
a fancy DVD player, buy a basic one—and, once again, invest
the rest! What am I getting at? Save your money because in no
time, I see that you’ll become a multi-millionaire. |
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AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Are you wearing make-up! Why? To hide your blemishes? No! no!
no! Let your true face shine! Don’t worry about other people!
When you meet guys, and probably a potential boyfriend, I want
them to like you for who you are—and not for what you want
them to see! Drop the mask, be true to yourself, and show the
world who you really are! |
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PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)
Grammar, sentences, and all that stuff? Who cares? You should!
It’s alright to talk ghetto in front of your friends, but
when you’re at work in a professional environment, you need
to speak properly. You might not realize it, but the way you talk
has an impact on how people perceive you. Instead of saying, “I’m
feeling good,” say, “I’m feeling well.” Got
that? |
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