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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
So you wanna be a star? Well, then try out for “American
Idols” to show off your hidden talents—no sucio, not
that hidden talent! Get up on stage and give it your all! And
always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, nobody
else will. And ohh—ignore that bitchy queen Simon who puts
people down, cuz he don’t know crap! But be sure to say hi
to Paula for me—you gotta love her. |
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TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
Papi, you look fine! Yup, your workout has paid off, and just
like Nelly says, it’s gettin’ hot in herre!” In
fact, sooo hot that you and I should take off our clothes—one
by one—and make some smooth lovin’. Ay papi, can I also
rest my head on your 6-pack? |
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GEMINI
(May 21-June 21)
Feeling nervous about the stock market? Well, don’t worry,
chulo, because everything will turn out okay! So what if you lost
50% of your investments so far, at least you’re not Martha
Stewart! But from what I can see right now, the market will recover,
stocks will go up, and your loss will, in fact, become a profit—a
whopping 150% profit! |
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CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
Why the sudden talk about facelifts, liposuction, and Botox injections?
Are you planning on getting some work done? Well, baby, don't!
I’ve heard horror stories about the procedures going wrong—and
you don’t need to spend that kind of money, anyway. If I
were you, I’d just stick to my regular good ole’ self,
cuz, believe it or not, you look good just the way you are—naturally! |
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LEO
(July 23-Aug. 23)
It seems like, lately, you’ve been trying to blame all of
your problems on everyone else! Of course, I know life can get
frustrating at times, but shape up! Own your actions! It’s
you that’s causing all of your dismay—not the world!
If you start taking responsibility for your problems and start
finding solutions to them, then you’ll feel a lot better
about yourself! Do it, papi! |
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VIRGO
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
You’ve been hanging out at the same old clubs and places
for years, and people are used to seeing you there. So add a bit
of mystery to yourself. Take a month or two off and let people
wonder where you are. In the meantime, start a project—write
that novel you’ve had in the back of your head, make that
brilliant painting you’ve always wanted to do, or start a
new business! It’s about time you add a little change into
your life. Cause I gotta tell ya, there’s more to life than
the clubs! |
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LIBRA
(Sept. 24-oct. 22)
You’ve been looking through your wardrobe and can’t
find a darn thing to wear? Well, then go shopping—duh! That’s
right! Make space in your closet for some new fall outfits. Forget
the Sears, Targets, and Wal-Marts! And get into the vibe...you
know, get a few nice shirts from Banana Republic, some pants from
Macy’s, and some other stuff from the Gap! Damn, I should
be paid for this fashion advice! |
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SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Are you tired of your wholesome image? Well, explore that “hoe”
side of yourself—just for a few days, or so! But don’t
take it too far and, of course, play it safely! Here’s what
you can do: Tell your boyfriend right now you want to explore
the kinkier side of yourself with him! Be daring, let both of
your imaginations go wild, and keep your adventures between the
two of you! Who knows? Maybe, he might just tie you up, or like
Star Trek, make you go where no man has gone before! |
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SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Attention everyone! Fine chulo in da house! Yup, you got it! You
got the tan, fade, ‘stache, goatee, muscles, everything!
But you know what you need—happiness! What good is it to
look good if you’re feeling lonely and empty inside! So forget
about looks for now, and start focusing on your inner beauty!
If so, instead of people wanting to hang out with you because
of your outside, they will want to hang out with you because of
your inside—and you will find a man who will love you because
of your soul...and you can kiss those lonely nights goodbye! |
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CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Was that you who said, “I love making a fool of myself in
public?” If so, go for it! Open up, be yourself, and let
everything about you shine! If you want to walk with your pants
down, so be it! If you want to pass gas at the dinner table, be
my guest! Of course, there are those prudes who are going to tell
you to stay quiet and hold back, but don’t listen to them
because this could be the start of a new career for you! |
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AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Family matters should be your main focus for the next few months.
From your parents to your siblings to your primos, you should
make it a point to spend more time with them. If nothing else,
write them an e-mail. I know you may have had some hard times
with them, but I think enough time has passed—so try to rebuild
those relationships with them. Get closer to your family because
you know what they say, “Home is where the heart should be!” |
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PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)
Are you tired of all the drama—of the scene! Well, get out
of it! Go buy yourself a little puppy and escape into another
world! With a little doggie running around, you’ll get a
companion who’ll not only love you, but who’ll be there
when you need it to be! And it won’t talk back to you, either...well,
at least, not in words! No wonder it’s a man’s best
friend! So get away from drama, find some peace, happiness, and
laughter—all from a little pup! |
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