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Hey qvReaders!

It’s still hot outside, and it doesn’t look like this heatwave is going to go away anytime soon! So what does this mean? It means you still get to stare out your apartment window and watch all those fine papis walk on by—without their shirts on. Que rico! In the meantime, your sexy La Chicharona will pull out her tea leaves and let you know what you can expect to happen in your life during the next few months.


Aries ARIES (March 21-April 19)
So you wanna be a star? Well, then try out for “American Idols” to show off your hidden talents—no sucio, not that hidden talent! Get up on stage and give it your all! And always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, nobody else will. And ohh—ignore that bitchy queen Simon who puts people down, cuz he don’t know crap! But be sure to say hi to Paula for me—you gotta love her.
Taurus TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Papi, you look fine! Yup, your workout has paid off, and just like Nelly says, it’s gettin’ hot in herre!” In fact, sooo hot that you and I should take off our clothes—one by one—and make some smooth lovin’. Ay papi, can I also rest my head on your 6-pack?
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Feeling nervous about the stock market? Well, don’t worry, chulo, because everything will turn out okay! So what if you lost 50% of your investments so far, at least you’re not Martha Stewart! But from what I can see right now, the market will recover, stocks will go up, and your loss will, in fact, become a profit—a whopping 150% profit!
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
Why the sudden talk about facelifts, liposuction, and Botox injections? Are you planning on getting some work done? Well, baby, don't! I’ve heard horror stories about the procedures going wrong—and you don’t need to spend that kind of money, anyway. If I were you, I’d just stick to my regular good ole’ self, cuz, believe it or not, you look good just the way you are—naturally!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
It seems like, lately, you’ve been trying to blame all of your problems on everyone else! Of course, I know life can get frustrating at times, but shape up! Own your actions! It’s you that’s causing all of your dismay—not the world! If you start taking responsibility for your problems and start finding solutions to them, then you’ll feel a lot better about yourself! Do it, papi!
VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
You’ve been hanging out at the same old clubs and places for years, and people are used to seeing you there. So add a bit of mystery to yourself. Take a month or two off and let people wonder where you are. In the meantime, start a project—write that novel you’ve had in the back of your head, make that brilliant painting you’ve always wanted to do, or start a new business! It’s about time you add a little change into your life. Cause I gotta tell ya, there’s more to life than the clubs!
LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
You’ve been looking through your wardrobe and can’t find a darn thing to wear? Well, then go shopping—duh! That’s right! Make space in your closet for some new fall outfits. Forget the Sears, Targets, and Wal-Marts! And get into the vibe...you know, get a few nice shirts from Banana Republic, some pants from Macy’s, and some other stuff from the Gap! Damn, I should be paid for this fashion advice!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Are you tired of your wholesome image? Well, explore that “hoe” side of yourself—just for a few days, or so! But don’t take it too far and, of course, play it safely! Here’s what you can do: Tell your boyfriend right now you want to explore the kinkier side of yourself with him! Be daring, let both of your imaginations go wild, and keep your adventures between the two of you! Who knows? Maybe, he might just tie you up, or like Star Trek, make you go where no man has gone before!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Attention everyone! Fine chulo in da house! Yup, you got it! You got the tan, fade, ‘stache, goatee, muscles, everything! But you know what you need—happiness! What good is it to look good if you’re feeling lonely and empty inside! So forget about looks for now, and start focusing on your inner beauty! If so, instead of people wanting to hang out with you because of your outside, they will want to hang out with you because of your inside—and you will find a man who will love you because of your soul...and you can kiss those lonely nights goodbye!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Was that you who said, “I love making a fool of myself in public?” If so, go for it! Open up, be yourself, and let everything about you shine! If you want to walk with your pants down, so be it! If you want to pass gas at the dinner table, be my guest! Of course, there are those prudes who are going to tell you to stay quiet and hold back, but don’t listen to them because this could be the start of a new career for you!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Family matters should be your main focus for the next few months. From your parents to your siblings to your primos, you should make it a point to spend more time with them. If nothing else, write them an e-mail. I know you may have had some hard times with them, but I think enough time has passed—so try to rebuild those relationships with them. Get closer to your family because you know what they say, “Home is where the heart should be!”
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Are you tired of all the drama—of the scene! Well, get out of it! Go buy yourself a little puppy and escape into another world! With a little doggie running around, you’ll get a companion who’ll not only love you, but who’ll be there when you need it to be! And it won’t talk back to you, either...well, at least, not in words! No wonder it’s a man’s best friend! So get away from drama, find some peace, happiness, and laughter—all from a little pup!

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