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Hey Papis!

We’re in the dawg days of summer—my favorite time of the year. A time when all of the papis come out with their shirts off and their sexy tattoos showing. But while it’s nice to look at all that eye candy, I do have a job to do—to tell you all about what these summer months have in store for you. And let me tell you, my “Spider Girl Sense” is tingling about you in spots you can’t even imagine! So get ready for one hell of a summer!


Aries ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Honey, you’ve been working out haven’t you? I can tell cuz your biceps are just bulging out from underneath your clothes. Well, good for you! It’s about time you get off that couch and do something about that beer belly. If you keep it up, soon you’ll be gettin’ more action than my baby Vin Diesel.
Taurus TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
It’s summertime and you should be out enjoying yourself. Then, why are you stuck at home all the time? I think it’s time for an adventure. So grab your best friend and take a road trip. You two can be just like Oswald and Danny—those two locas in “The Amazing Race.” Have an incredible time touring the country and be sure to send me postcards from all those exotic places you visit.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Oh dear! I see that split personality of yours starting to rear its ugly head. You’re a sweetie most of the time, but little things like how your man leaves out his dirty dishes and forgets to help you clean up after dinner are driving you crazy. May I suggest taking him out to a nice restaurant for a change. I hear that new restaurant J.Lo opened up in Pasadena is pretty cool. So give it a shot and leave the dishes to someone else.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
Have you noticed your computer is starting to act strangely? Honey, I think you’ve got a virus and I bet it’s from all that porn you’ve been downloading from the internet! I bet you didn’t think I knew about that, huh? Well, be careful what you download and get yourself an anti-virus program. Then you can get back to your favorite form of home entertainment.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
Are you feeling frustrated with some of your friends—especially the ones who never do anything for you? Well, I think it’s time to cut loose some people from your life. Get rid of the dead wood and keep the people who really matter and who are there for you. It might be tough, but believe me, it’ll be better for you in the long run. And don’t even THINK about getting rid of me! La Chicharona will always have love for you.
VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Sometimes parents just don’t understand, do they? It probably seems like mom and dad are on your case a lot lately and that your familia is becoming more dysfunctional than “The Osbornes.” Well, don’t worry about it, mijo. Your parents are only so protective because they love you and want what is best for you. So give them a break and maybe even take their advice for a change. You might be surprised to find out they’re a lot smarter than you give them credit.
LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Ay, you’re becoming a drama queen! Your name ain’t Queen Amidala, so stop acting like her. It’s time to take a breather and stop making a scene everywhere you go. The world ain’t out to get you, so just have fun with your life. Go out, grab a Sour Apple Martini with your buddies, and commit to no more drama in your life.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re bored aren’t you? Right now you’ve got the money to do anything you want, but you just don’t know how to spend it. Well, it’s time to pump some cash into the economy and buy something big. Maybe a new BWM, or better yet, a house! Or maybe you could sign up to be a Space Shuttle tourist. Wouldn’t that be fun? You’d be the first-ever Chulo in Space!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’ve always wanted kids, haven’t you? Well, now might be the time to start taking steps towards becoming a true papi. Start researching your options and get ready to make room for baby. I know that you’ll take a cue from Rosie and be a great QV parent. Your kids will be lucky to have a dad like you!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
A little bird told me that you are single again. Well, cheer up—things are looking quite interesting for your future. This summer you’ll be just like that guy on “The Bachelor,” except that instead of having girls after you, you’ll have 25 fine new Latin boyz who will be battle it out for your heart! You lucky dog!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Geez, Mr. Aquarius, you’re hot! You’re so hot that even Paulina Rubio is jealous of you. Everything you touch in the next few months is going to come up gold—physically, financially, and most importantly—sexually! Yeah, baby, you’ll give new meaning to the expression “Midas Touch.”
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
So you’ve made plans to attend as many QV prides this year as possible? Well, go for it and have fun. Just take it easy on the alcohol—no one wants to be known as the town lush. Other than that, go out and meet as many new people as you can at the prides and treat yourself to the funner things in life. Happy QV pride!

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