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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
Honey, you’ve been working out haven’t you? I can tell
cuz your biceps are just bulging out from underneath your clothes.
Well, good for you! It’s about time you get off that couch
and do something about that beer belly. If you keep it up, soon
you’ll be gettin’ more action than my baby Vin Diesel.
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TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
It’s summertime and you should be out enjoying yourself.
Then, why are you stuck at home all the time? I think it’s
time for an adventure. So grab your best friend and take a road
trip. You two can be just like Oswald and Danny—those two
locas in “The Amazing Race.” Have an incredible time
touring the country and be sure to send me postcards from all
those exotic places you visit. |
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GEMINI
(May 21-June 21)
Oh dear! I see that split personality of yours starting to rear
its ugly head. You’re a sweetie most of the time, but little
things like how your man leaves out his dirty dishes and forgets
to help you clean up after dinner are driving you crazy. May I
suggest taking him out to a nice restaurant for a change. I hear
that new restaurant J.Lo opened up in Pasadena is pretty cool.
So give it a shot and leave the dishes to someone else. |
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CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
Have you noticed your computer is starting to act strangely? Honey,
I think you’ve got a virus and I bet it’s from all that
porn you’ve been downloading from the internet! I bet you
didn’t think I knew about that, huh? Well, be careful what
you download and get yourself an anti-virus program. Then you
can get back to your favorite form of home entertainment. |
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LEO
(July 23-Aug. 23)
Are you feeling frustrated with some of your friends—especially
the ones who never do anything for you? Well, I think it’s
time to cut loose some people from your life. Get rid of the dead
wood and keep the people who really matter and who are there for
you. It might be tough, but believe me, it’ll be better for
you in the long run. And don’t even THINK about getting rid
of me! La Chicharona will always have love for you. |
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VIRGO
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Sometimes parents just don’t understand, do they? It probably
seems like mom and dad are on your case a lot lately and that
your familia is becoming more dysfunctional than “The Osbornes.”
Well, don’t worry about it, mijo. Your parents are only so
protective because they love you and want what is best for you.
So give them a break and maybe even take their advice for a change.
You might be surprised to find out they’re a lot smarter
than you give them credit. |
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LIBRA
(Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Ay, you’re becoming a drama queen! Your name ain’t Queen
Amidala, so stop acting like her. It’s time to take a breather
and stop making a scene everywhere you go. The world ain’t
out to get you, so just have fun with your life. Go out, grab
a Sour Apple Martini with your buddies, and commit to no more
drama in your life. |
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SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re bored aren’t you? Right now you’ve got the
money to do anything you want, but you just don’t know how
to spend it. Well, it’s time to pump some cash into the economy
and buy something big. Maybe a new BWM, or better yet, a house!
Or maybe you could sign up to be a Space Shuttle tourist. Wouldn’t
that be fun? You’d be the first-ever Chulo in Space! |
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SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’ve always wanted kids, haven’t you? Well, now might
be the time to start taking steps towards becoming a true papi.
Start researching your options and get ready to make room for
baby. I know that you’ll take a cue from Rosie and be a great
QV parent. Your kids will be lucky to have a dad like you! |
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CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
A little bird told me that you are single again. Well, cheer up—things
are looking quite interesting for your future. This summer you’ll
be just like that guy on “The Bachelor,” except that
instead of having girls after you, you’ll have 25 fine new
Latin boyz who will be battle it out for your heart! You lucky
dog! |
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AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Geez, Mr. Aquarius, you’re hot! You’re so hot that even
Paulina Rubio is jealous of you. Everything you touch in the next
few months is going to come up gold—physically, financially,
and most importantly—sexually! Yeah, baby, you’ll give
new meaning to the expression “Midas Touch.” |
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PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)
So you’ve made plans to attend as many QV prides this year
as possible? Well, go for it and have fun. Just take it easy on
the alcohol—no one wants to be known as the town lush. Other
than that, go out and meet as many new people as you can at the
prides and treat yourself to the funner things in life. Happy
QV pride! |
