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Hey Chulos!
HEY
PAPA! I’m almost there…just a few more weeks, and I’ll
be ready for the beach. I’ve got my sexy bikini, golden tan, flat
stomach, and if you know me by now, I always have my bitchy attitude.
You got it, I’ll be ready for all those cute brown boyz walking
in their shorts and no T-shirts. I love this time of the year, and I
get excited thinking about it! And what about you? Will you be with
that guy you like? Will you win the lottery? Let me take a look into
your future:
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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
It’s a good thing you didn’t invest in Enron stocks!
You’d be flat broke! What? You’re broke, anyway! Then
rearrange your finances and work smarter. If you have no education,
go to school. If you don’t know anything about stocks, learn!
No one will push you harder than yourself. So if your flame is
low, put it in high gear and push yourself to new limits! |
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TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
Papi, I’ve noticed you’ve been down lately, since you
broke up with your man. I know it’s not an easy thing to
do, so I want you to get your mind off of him. They say laugher
will help you get back on your feet, so I recommend a funny movie—maybe
“Austin Powers 3.” Plus you’ll get to see Beyonce’s
big screen debut and hear Austin say, “Do I make you horny?” |
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GEMINI
(May 21-June 21)
Have you seen Linkin Park? Dayum, these guys got it going on!
Not only that, they made it big with just their first album. So
when are you going to release your album? C’mon, chulo, you’ve
been saying, “I’m still working on it!” for years
now. So get with it, because in ten years, you won’t want
to look back and feel like you wasted your chance! Organize yourself
and go for your dreams—and don’t let anyone push you
down, papa! |
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CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
I see money coming in for you! If my predictions are correct,
you’ll soon be driving a new red Ferrari, living in a thirty
bedroom mansion with your man, and relaxing on your very own yacht.
So either start putting in a lot of overtime at work, or start
buying your lottery tickets—cuz something’s going to
happen soon! |
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LEO
(July 23-Aug. 23)
Why do you run to your medicine cabinet every time your head hurts
or you want to feel better? You need to stop poppin’ pills
and find other ways to make you feel good. You know, think of
me in a silky thong! Ha, if that doesn’t work, then get yourself
a nice massage or jump in a relaxing hot tub, but ease off those
nasty pills! |
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VIRGO
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
You’re so professional. At work, you don’t even have
pictures of your man. All you have are your certificates and awards,
and you come across as too stiff! Break out of it and be more
human. People want to be your friend, but only if you loosen up.
So share a little bit more about yourself, and you’ll see
people will, finally, come to like you more. |
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LIBRA
(Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Why are you going against the grain? You have T-shirts that say,
“anti-social” and bumper stickers that read, “Ignorance
is typical.” Get your head out of the cave and make something
out of your life. Be a career-minded Latino and in the end, put
on those T-shirts that read, “I made something out of nothing”
or even, “I’m really now on Top!” And not that
way, sucio. |
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SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re thinking about getting a tattoo but you’re worried
about work? Well, if they can’t see it, then why not? Tattoos
look really cool on guys and when you can see them slightly above
the tank top, dayum! Take a risk, and do it, chulo. It might make
you a new, more daring person. |
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SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Wow, you’re technologically advanced. You’ve got an
HDTV, an iPod, and a fancy new computer. That’s impressive,
but you’re draining yourself financially. You may look good
on the outside, but you’re wallet is hurting! Have you seen
how much you owe on your credit cards? So spend more conservatively!
In other words, don’t buy a Lamborguini when a Lexus will
do fine—something that’s still great and within your
budget! |
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CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
High protein, low fat, work out! Yup, you hear all this stuff
about how to lose weight, but not many people are up for the challenge
to do it! But take the challenge, papi! Sign up at the gym, and
make an effort to go there—not once a week, but three times
a week. Set your mind to it, and do it! |
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AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Are you creating good karma for yourself? Mijo, in life, if you
do things that help people, you will go far. If you do things
that hurt people, you will eventually get hurt in return. So remember
that before you do anything—like, say, illegally downloading
music from the internet—that you make sure it’s all
in good taste. |
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PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)
What’s all this talk about cloning people? It’s bad
enough that people are already cloning your unique and stylish
looks, but to think someday they can clone all of you! That’s
crazy. Not to worry, though, we know you’re fashion sense
is always one step ahead of the clones, and that you’ll always
be the trendsetter—clones or not! |
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