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Hey Chulos!

HEY PAPA! I’m almost there…just a few more weeks, and I’ll be ready for the beach. I’ve got my sexy bikini, golden tan, flat stomach, and if you know me by now, I always have my bitchy attitude. You got it, I’ll be ready for all those cute brown boyz walking in their shorts and no T-shirts. I love this time of the year, and I get excited thinking about it! And what about you? Will you be with that guy you like? Will you win the lottery? Let me take a look into your future:


Aries ARIES (March 21-April 19)
It’s a good thing you didn’t invest in Enron stocks! You’d be flat broke! What? You’re broke, anyway! Then rearrange your finances and work smarter. If you have no education, go to school. If you don’t know anything about stocks, learn! No one will push you harder than yourself. So if your flame is low, put it in high gear and push yourself to new limits!
Taurus TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Papi, I’ve noticed you’ve been down lately, since you broke up with your man. I know it’s not an easy thing to do, so I want you to get your mind off of him. They say laugher will help you get back on your feet, so I recommend a funny movie—maybe “Austin Powers 3.” Plus you’ll get to see Beyonce’s big screen debut and hear Austin say, “Do I make you horny?”
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Have you seen Linkin Park? Dayum, these guys got it going on! Not only that, they made it big with just their first album. So when are you going to release your album? C’mon, chulo, you’ve been saying, “I’m still working on it!” for years now. So get with it, because in ten years, you won’t want to look back and feel like you wasted your chance! Organize yourself and go for your dreams—and don’t let anyone push you down, papa!
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
I see money coming in for you! If my predictions are correct, you’ll soon be driving a new red Ferrari, living in a thirty bedroom mansion with your man, and relaxing on your very own yacht. So either start putting in a lot of overtime at work, or start buying your lottery tickets—cuz something’s going to happen soon!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
Why do you run to your medicine cabinet every time your head hurts or you want to feel better? You need to stop poppin’ pills and find other ways to make you feel good. You know, think of me in a silky thong! Ha, if that doesn’t work, then get yourself a nice massage or jump in a relaxing hot tub, but ease off those nasty pills!
VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
You’re so professional. At work, you don’t even have pictures of your man. All you have are your certificates and awards, and you come across as too stiff! Break out of it and be more human. People want to be your friend, but only if you loosen up. So share a little bit more about yourself, and you’ll see people will, finally, come to like you more.
LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Why are you going against the grain? You have T-shirts that say, “anti-social” and bumper stickers that read, “Ignorance is typical.” Get your head out of the cave and make something out of your life. Be a career-minded Latino and in the end, put on those T-shirts that read, “I made something out of nothing” or even, “I’m really now on Top!” And not that way, sucio.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re thinking about getting a tattoo but you’re worried about work? Well, if they can’t see it, then why not? Tattoos look really cool on guys and when you can see them slightly above the tank top, dayum! Take a risk, and do it, chulo. It might make you a new, more daring person.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Wow, you’re technologically advanced. You’ve got an HDTV, an iPod, and a fancy new computer. That’s impressive, but you’re draining yourself financially. You may look good on the outside, but you’re wallet is hurting! Have you seen how much you owe on your credit cards? So spend more conservatively! In other words, don’t buy a Lamborguini when a Lexus will do fine—something that’s still great and within your budget!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
High protein, low fat, work out! Yup, you hear all this stuff about how to lose weight, but not many people are up for the challenge to do it! But take the challenge, papi! Sign up at the gym, and make an effort to go there—not once a week, but three times a week. Set your mind to it, and do it!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Are you creating good karma for yourself? Mijo, in life, if you do things that help people, you will go far. If you do things that hurt people, you will eventually get hurt in return. So remember that before you do anything—like, say, illegally downloading music from the internet—that you make sure it’s all in good taste.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
What’s all this talk about cloning people? It’s bad enough that people are already cloning your unique and stylish looks, but to think someday they can clone all of you! That’s crazy. Not to worry, though, we know you’re fashion sense is always one step ahead of the clones, and that you’ll always be the trendsetter—clones or not!

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