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Hey Chulos!

HEY PAPA! I’m working really hard to get into shape for the next couple of months. I even tried rollerblading and running by the beach, but that’s pretty hard for me. So now I’m just giving my eyes a good workout, sitting down and watching all the fine papis go by. But enough about me...let’s talk about you. Is there gonna be a man in your life pretty soon? Hmm...let me take a look into your future, and see what’s up! Of course, you know me...the fabulous La Chicharona always has something good for you!

Anthony & Victor

Aries ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Hey, chulo, you the man! You like sports, hiking, basketball, and even football. But is there a side to you that we don’t know about? Remember the last time we came over? Our homeboyz found CDs like Liza Minnelli, Hanson, and Backstreet Boys on the floor—and they also found a copy of “Glitter” in your DVD player. What’s up with that, chulo?
Taurus TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Are you really the leader of the pack as everyone cheers you on—or are you the one in the cheerleading outfit. Ha, either way, you’re still a leader! Aside from that, as a leader, you’ve learned how to say “no” to a lot of offers coming your way. But remember not to turn down everything, because you might be missing some great opportunities such as finding some love with that fine papi!
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
All your homies say you do a good job. Ha, ha, ha, chico I’m not going to ask you what you think I mean by job—sucio! Work is what I’m talking about. But are you really as good as they say? Arriving late to work, taking two hour lunches, and leaving early really doesn’t say much about your work ethic—so even though they say you’re doing a good job, change these little things, otherwise, you’ll be changing jobs, and it won’t be by choice!
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
Just how far are you willing to go to get that guy? Yup, he’s cute and popular, but how are you going to make yourself stand out from all the other papis who like him? Well, how about going on “Fear Factor?” After you’ve eaten cow brains and slimy worms, or swam in a tank with dead squid, you’ll definitely stand out—to say the least!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
Have you found yourself checking out Groundskeeper Willie on “The Simpsons” because he has a ripped body? For heaven’s sake, he’s a cartoon! Boy, you gotta get out of the house and meet a real man! If animated men are turning you on, just think what a real man can do for you! Try it, papi, you just might like it!
VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
You’ve heard success knocking, but you haven’t opened that door. Are you afraid of money? Well, papi, snap out of your fear! Break open that door and let success take you away! It’d be nice to see you as a Latino millionaire, que no? By the way, when you finally reach the top and buy that nice mansion in Malibu, I’ll be single again!
LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Are you addicted to coffee? Every morning and every afternoon, I see you sipping a venti double latte from Starbucks! Papi, take it easy because your body needs some rest. It’s nice that you’re very attentive, but you’re scaring people away with your wired “coffee look.” You know, your shaking hands, your rapid movements, your loud talk, and even your bloodshot eyes!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Are you the type of person to get on top of the bar and start dancing? Hey, papi, I say go for it! It’s nice to have a party animal entertaining the crowd, and that’s who you are! You make it fun for people and make everyone laugh—with you, not at you!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
So what if you’re the black sheep of the family. Who cares? You only live life once so make the most of it! What you are in one place doesn’t mean you’re that in another place. So surround yourself with people who support you and where you can be number one! Go for it.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Communication is the key to success. So answer all phone calls and e-mails in less than 24 hours —and make sure to attend all of your business meetings. Your new attitude will, undoubtedly, turn you into a Super Professional Papi, someone who’s unstoppable! Get ’em, tiger!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’ve fallen again! So what! Just get back up, chulo! To move ahead in life, you’ve got to fall over and over again. If not, you won’t get anywhere. Remember how you praised me for achieving my dreams of walking in heels? Well, to get there, I fell smack down on my face at least 100 times—so get used it, papi! That’s what life is all about!
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Did you hear that Kmart has filed for bankruptcy? Damn! That sucks! Now where are you going to go—to get your clothes? Pretty soon, there’ll be no more blue light specials anywhere, so what’s a fashion boy to do? Well, you can either work harder to buy clothes at Macy’s, Saks Fifth Avenue, or just stay where you are and settle for Sears!

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