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Hey
Chulos!
It’s getting
colder these days, and my teeth are ch-ch-ch-chattering away!
So what I gotta do is find me a nice papi chulo, who’ll keep
me warm at night, and hold me tight—que rico! Get the picture?
So what’s going on with you? How is your man treating ya?
Is he the firme papi chulo you’ve always dreamed of? Don’t
know? Well, sit back and relax...and let me dig into your future
and see what the stars have in store for you. Read on...
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ARIES (March 21-April 19)
How much money are you earning at your current job? $35,000?
$40,000? $50,000? Well, if you’re not earning what
you deserve, do something about it! Walk right into your
boss’ office and ask for a raise! If he objects, then
don’t take his sh*t—look for another job! You
deserve to move up in life so don’t settle for second
best! |
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TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You just spotted the finest guy you’ve ever seen at
a house party. He’s got some abs, and that face—
Ay papi! Well, don’t act so fast because he has a boyfriend.
But I hear he’s not too happy with him. So play it
cool, talk to him, and see what’s up because if everything
goes well, he’ll be with you soon, and as I predict,
he’ll be singing, “I’m a slaaaaave for you!” |
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GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
So you want to be an actor? Well, baby, you do have what
it takes to make it big, but let me tell you, it’s
not an easy road. Why? Because you have to deal with all
kinds of drama—get it? But you’ll do just fine!
Plus, you got the looks, too—you’re just as fine
as Jay Hernandez! |
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CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
Starting a new business? That’s great! You’ve
got the motivation and the brains—so I say go for it
and put 100% of your heart into it! Just remember when you’re
rich and sitting in your mansion, please do not let money
dictate your life. In other words, share the wealth and
always be the cool guy that you started out to be! |
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LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
Are you thinking about buying a puppy? Well, I think that
will do you some good. Why do I say that? Because your boyfriend
has been telling me that you’re stiff and that he wishes
you can open up a bit...so maybe a puppy might help you
express yourself with some tender emotions! That’s
what I call puppy love! |
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VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
What goes around, comes around. Remember how you invited
your man to that restaurant last month? Well, it’s
time for him to return the favor and take you out to a fancy
place! But be patient and don’t ask him for it! Let
him surprise you! Ohh! And act as if you didn’t know,
either! And wait till you see what he has planned for dessert,
afterwards! Mmm...dessert! |
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LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Look out Jessica, Christina, and Pink! Here comes a Libra
all decked out for the winter. You’ll be the one melting
all the snow off the streets, and you’ll be shining
like a big glass ornament at the Rockefeller Center. And
get this, you’ll be the life of the party, where all
the cute guys will be tripping over you left and right.
So enjoy it while it lasts...you go, boy! |
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SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Questions! Questions! Questions! Baby, it’s good that
you’re inquisitive, but at times, it can get too much!
Sometimes, it sounds like you’re trying to find something
to argue with. You know what I mean. With your boyfriend,
you ask him, “Where did you go?” “Who did
you go with?” “Who was there?” Come on, don’t
corner your man! Keep your questions to an all-time low,
and put some trust in him! |
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SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re soooo competitive! It’s like you’re
willing to run over people just to get what you want! But
you know what? Cut it out! You’re driving people crazy!
How do you expect to get to the top by being such an ass?
You got to remember it’s those people who will get
you there so be gentle with people and start treating them
with a little bit of respect! |
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CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Baby, you’re too perfect! You don’t complain!
You don’t demand! You’re super nice! But is that
really you? You know me...I don’t want you to curtail
your attitude just to impress me! So open up and show me
your true colors, even if it means burping in my face and
blowing the air on me. No matter what you do, I’m already
yours! |
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AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Ahh, your life is outdated! You’re still using tape
cassettes, VHS, and an old Radio Shack computer! That’s
so last century! Get with the times and buy an MP3 player,
a DVD, and a powerful Mac! You’ll thank me for getting
you up to speed and back in touch with today’s reality!
Now about your bowl haircut and funny clothes? Well, one
thing at a time, papi! |
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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Why are you standing alone at the club? Come on, go up to
that guy and talk to him! So what if he’s the finest
guy at the club, he’s still human. He still breathes
the same way you do, and still gets nervous when meeting
guys—just like you do! You have a lot in common so
get your confidence up, walk up to that guy, and say some
words of wisdom to him! |
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