It's your fabulous La Chicarona!
I can feel the summer heat on mi cuerpo as I sit here by the
pool while my oiled-down, muscle men keep me cool! Yup, it's
so nice here, and as I stare deeper and deeper into my wine glass,
I'm getting ready to read you your astrological forecast-for
better or for worse!
||ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You say you got more Jello than J.Lo? Then get your ass off the
couch, and join a gym, baby! You deserve to improve your health.
Plus, you'll be seeing a lot of fine guys there, and not only
that-you will be turning into a fine guy yourself! Que rico!
||TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Baby, no matter
how bad you are, your boyfriend will still be by your side. Remember
when you were a player, he was there for you, and if you play
again, he'll still be there for you, but don't be a fool! Stop
playing around and give your heart to your man! You have a good
thing going for you, and it doesn't make sense for you to lose
||GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Baby, how could
you run your credit card up to $15,000? You gotta do something
with your finances so cut up your Visas, Mastercards, and Discovers,
and start paying with real money! If you don't have the cold
cash, then don't buy it! Learn to be financially sound and get
rid of everything that drains you-including boyfriends.
||CANCER (June 22-July 22)
Your friends are
telling me that you have some of the worst manners on the phone!
Is this true? If so, then shape up! Whether it be burping on
the phone, typing while the other person talks, putting people
on hold for three minutes, these things are really annoying,
and if you are doing them, it won't be long before your friends
will stop talking to you!
||LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
You survived the military, and now you're coming home! I know
you're going to miss all of those fine military guys in their
boxers, not to mention, you have to play it straight with your
family. But play it cool at home. If your parents ask about those
"marks" on your neck, and who they think is a new girl
in your life, just smile and tell them, "Don't ask!"
||VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
It's hard to
believe you RSVP'd to 16 parties this month! You are a popular
man! But while you're giving time to everyone else, don't forget
to give it to two of the most important people in your life-you
and your man! That means saving a few hours to walk on the beach,
gaze at the moon and stars, and rejuvenate your relationship!
||LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Baby, I never
imagined with your tough-boy looks, that you would know how to
play the piano so well! Not to mention, you look so cute sitting
in front of a grand. But don't stop there, take it to another
level, get a record deal, and show the world your musical talent!
Just think, it won't be Barry White, Sade, or someone else, but
your smooth "papi" music that we will now make love
||SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Can you believe
what Janet Jackson says in her new song-something like, "Nice
package all right. Gonna have to ride it tonight!" Hmm,
is this what I think it means? And to think she seemed so innocent!
And this brings me back to your new friends.They, too, seem innocent,
but watch out! There's more to them than meets the eye! Let's
just say, keep them away from your man and his "nice package
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Party! Party! Party! You're getting ready to go to another fancy
fiesta? But how many times do I have to tell you, you're living
above your means! Look at yourself-you're dressed up in a tuxedo,
yet you're broke! So forget about driving up in rented 'Vettes,
Jags, or Limos because it looks like it's gonna be Pintos, Pacers,
and old Dodges for you!
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
getting older and not feeling sexy, anymore? Well, don't use
age as an excuse because we all age! And remember as the years
go by, you're getting smarter and smarter-and to me, there's
nothing more sexy than seeing a Latino guy with intelligence-with
great words of wisdom!
||AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I can't believe
you like collecting bugs as a hobby! That's gross! Is your life
really that boring? If so, do something exciting...something
like skydiving, bungee jumping, mountain hiking, or scuba diving!
Take your mind, body, and soul to a new world-and forget about
those nasty little bugs in your life!
||PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Baby, you have
to start trusting people, especially your boyfriend! If he says
he was outside looking at the stars until 1 a.m., then believe
him. If he says he went to a club only to meet friends, and that's
it, then you gotta believe him. There's no room in your life
for jealousy, but if you ever catch him telling you a lie, white
or not, then get rid of his ass!