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Is The Big Apple more outrageous than LA?
- A NUYORICAN JOURNAL
- BY SANTIAGO DOUGLAS
¿Que pasa Latinos? Once again, I find myself up late in New York, wondering what I should write about to add more color to the beautiful Latino spectrum. I want to write something that, when read out loud, will bring us to either a better understanding or a rude awakening of people with unique lifestyles. I plan to write stories that reflect our diverse shapes and sizes and that creatively share my experiences from both my travels and my imaginary journeys as a Puerto Rican soldier. My articles will include fiction, interviews, real drama, and photos. I hope that my brothers will come together to carry the torch and relight those candles which have burned out. I will share my thoughts, visions, and experiences.
After living in New York for ten years, I thought I was bad, but let me tell you about the outrageous Friday nights I experienced at the Yukon Mining Company, a diner in West Hollywood. I could go into details about the eight months I spent in California pursuing my cloudy career, but the shady underground drag strip at the Yukon diner was more entertaining - even more than the night crawlers that hit Santa Monica Boulevard.
Traffic was bumper to bumper in the Yukon parking lot. Under every hood drove some of today's perfect images of men - strong, confused, and horny. Men driving 3 mph with their windows rolled halfway down and sporting wedding band tans. After circling around a few times, I found myself a parking spot. It was then that I realized that the multi-cultural, long-haired beauty queens parading in the parking lot were men!
I quickly made my way through the jungle, excusing myself as I pushed my way through four silicone tanks and an army of lips. To be honest, it was shocking. It was more than just wigs and g-strings. They were ALIVE - breathing, living, catwalking he-she's - with enough attitude to turn on even those butch West Hollywood cops.
Once I made my way into the diner, I was greeted by the totally cool subtleness of Ms. Carole Lynn Ashley: "Wait in line to be seated!" I noticed that table seating was reserved for couples, so I sat at the counter instead and quietly asked for a hot chocolate. Obviously, it wasn't quiet enough because in the chair to my right, around turned a cinnamon-colored blondie wearing a hot pink mini dress.
"What's your name?" she asked me.
I decided to tease, so I said, "Jack."
"Urgency," said her homeboy girl drag queen friend.
"I'm Jesse," said the blonde cinabon with blue eye shadow.
I became a little nervous and uncomfortable as they moved closer to me. Past the bushy blue eyebrows, pinched nose, and hairy lips, I could almost sense he had a bigger sack than I did. I loosened up the grip on my coffee cup and quickly protected my jewels from being x-rayed.
After being in the diner for 20 minutes and trying not to get into anything deep with the girls, I realized that there were some "celebrities" in the house. They were in both large and small sizes: Mini Madonna's, an extra-large Janet, and 20 midget Selenas. I was no longer bored in California, dude.
Then, after admitting to Urgency and Jesse that I was wild and had tried almost everything, they asked me for a ride home. How could I refuse? They could have beaten me up if they wanted!
We went to the car, and they both decided to sit in the front seat. I thought to myself, "What am I doing here?" "What am I getting into?" "Do they really just want a ride home?" and wondered what this all meant. Urgency popped in a tape and Lina Santiago filled the air.
I asked, "Where to?"
Jesse replied, "You sure you don't want to take us to your mom?"
I said, "No, she's suspicious enough, thank you."
Jessie continued, "Okay. Then drop us off on the corner of Santa Monica and Wilcox."
When we arrived at the designated corner, Urgency got out in a huff. Jesse looked me deep in the eye and said, "If you change your mind, I'm at the Yukon aaallll the time."
"Cool," I said relieved. "Be careful. Bye Bye."
Was the Yukon the only place in California to have fun? Was I becoming a victim of the tinseltown blues? I don't know, but I wasn't ready to do anything with them. It was certainly an outrageous experience. An experience I don't know if I could ever have in my native New York.
- A NUYORICAN JOURNAL