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Hi Papi Chulos!
It's time for me to break
out my mini-velour red short skirt dress and play Mrs. Clause
for all you suave guys out there. What wish can I give you this
season? Or can I blow out your candles on the menorah? Ha, well
if you wish hard enough, maybe your astrological readings will
come true.
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ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Oooh baby! You
caught your man with another guy-in the flesh! What are you going
to do? For starters, throw his ass away, and find someone who
will treat you with respect. It doesn't take a scientist to see
that he's nothing but a player-not to mention, baby, he wasn't
man enough for you! Get rid of him! |
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TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Baby, what did
you do to yourself? You look firme! Wow, your biceps are bulging
and people are looking at you! But don't walk with your nose
in the air because you might get stung! Just play it cool and
talk to everyone, even to those ugly guys, who you would normally
not talk to. Show some heart, baby, 'cuz some of them uglies
might turn out to be good friends. |
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GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Umm child! Are
you becoming psychic? People are asking you about their futures,
and everything you are saying is coming true! Remember that time
you said your best friend would win $1,000,000, he did! Remember
that time you said your man would get promoted, he did! So with
all this good stuff happening, start reading your future 'cuz
good luck is coming your way! |
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CANCER (June 22-July 22)
How could you
buy a cheap K-Mart gift and wrap it in a Macy's box? That's not
like you at all. Usually, you're not afraid to be yourself so
why the sudden change? If you're trying to impress your boyfriend,
let loose, be a slob, and be the cheap-skate that you really
are! Well, baby, at least, he'll love, not anything else, but
the real you! |
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LEO
(July 23-Aug. 23)
La Chicharona senses a big
promotion for you in the near future! You'll be able to buy anything
you want. You'll sparkle whiter than Ricky Martin's teeth and
look more sexy than Oscar de La Hoya in boxer shorts. You life
will be complete, except for one thing-true love. So no matter
how rich you get, don't let money change your good heart. Please
don't turn into a snobby bitch! |
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VIRGO
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Baby, you know that straight
guy you've been eyeing at the gym the last few months? Well papi,
let that platano go, and find yourself a QV guy, a more duro
one this holiday season--one that will be ripe for you. Don't
short change yourself with something you can't have! So get out
of the house, keep your eyes open, and find yourself a real man-a
QV one! |
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LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
It's time to
find a new boyfriend-someone who will treat you like a prince
and not like a frog. Say goodbye to your boring nights and hello
to a new life! Not only will your new man love you, but he will
buy you flowers, take you out to dinner, and even throw his coat
on a puddle of water just for you! xoxo |
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SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Is your boyfriend a schitzo
or what? So what if he's a bitch to others. With you, he's the
perfect gentleman. Of course, you might be scared to introduce
him to your family for the holidays, but go for it. He'll behave
himself, even though he'll be eating your abuelita's tamales
like a pig! But hang in there because the next thing you know,
it'll be his tamale you'll be unwrapping and eating! Que sucio! |
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SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You're the chosen one! You've
proven yourself to be worthy of the best and better than rest.
No, I ain't trying to rhyme like Lil Kim--I'm more sophisticated
than that. You've got it going on, and you're going to take your
entourage into the limelight. So work it, Ms. Sagittarius, and
don't just smile for the camera--as our famous qvPhotographer,
Ms. Luna, would say,"Give them FACE!" |
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CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You think your man is cheating
on you? Well, hunny, find out for sure! Become a detective--just
like Pamela Anderson on "VIP." Get out there and find
the truth--even if you have to use a blonde's way of thinking!
You know, such as saying, "It's like, oh my God! I can't
believe my man would do this to me! Gosh! I'm like, so sure!"
If anything, bring your man to his knees and make him tell you
where he's been going every night! |
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AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This season you'll be Mr.
Fuego--heating up everyone with your warm and energizing attitude.
No blizzard will be able to cool you down. Just like a bunny,
you'll be jumping around--turning frowns into laughs, lust into
love, and enemies into friendships. And when it comes to sex,
you'll be fully energized! You'll keep on going and going--and
going! Que rico! |
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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
You're going
to find yourself at the right place at the right time. Maybe,
you'll find yourself eating rats on the new "Survivor"
(Mmm...rat tacos). Or maybe, you'll be the sexiest girl, I mean
guy--to be on "Big Brother." But where ever you end
up, just watch out for the hidden cameras! You wouldn't want
to be caught in a compromising position with another guy? Or
would you? |
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