It's me again, the fierce, sexy, seductive,
fabulous La Chicharona, and I'm just hangin' here with my latest
flame. Oh, ah, I just had a quick flashback! For some reason,
I just saw myself back in the groovy days when I was just a beauty
queen in training. And now look what I've become-a full fledge
sexy diva who gets to hang out with all the fine qvBoys out there!
Not bad for a girl who had nothing! So if you hang with me, I'll
introduce you to everyone I know, but first, let me read you
(March 21-April 19)
onto your hat...there are some big changes coming your way! First
of all, you'll be meeting a new man! Well, don't move so fast
because you already have a man! And just when you think you have
it under control, you'll find yourself meeting a third man! Well,
hunny, it's just your charm that attracts them to you, but take
a long walk on the playa and think about who will treat you better-and
not who will give you the best sex!
(April 20-May 20)
Oops! You did it again! You
played with his heart and got lost in the game! My advice, mijo?
Stop cheating! You say you're not that innocent, but I know you
have some good in you, so change yourself now and start showing
some heart to everyone!
(May 21-June 21)
Boy, I hear your favorite show
is Scooby Doo on the Cartoon Network and that's all you ever
talk about! But baby, you need to come out of the house, and
quite frankly-come out of the closet! It's about time to be proud
of yourself so start knocking down those doors! And then and
only then, will you get your Scooby reward: not one, but three
||CANCER (June 22-July 22)
Wow, I hear you
want to be President of the United States! Can you imagine? Who
would have thought? After all, you were always a leader. You
were the head of the Girl Scouts, the head of cheerleading, and
you always knew how to work the men. And now you want to be in
the White House! Did you say as President-or as the first lady?
(July 23-Aug. 23)
I know it's hot outside,
but start a fire in your fireplace! Stare at the flames and evaluate
your life! Think about starting your own business because it's
about time you stop working for somebody else-and start working
for yourself. Hunny, I know this because ever since I opened
up my underwear shop, La Chicharona's Secrets, I've been living
it up! I'm the CEO! I get free undies, and I get to stare at
my Latino male mannequins all day! Que rico!
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
It's time for a change!
Get some money, go to the store, and buy some 70s clothes! You
know me, I say take a chance and stand out from the rest! Put
on those bell bottoms and with your nose in the air, show the
guys what you're all about! Just one thing-no daisy dukes, pleeeeeze!
||LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
I hear you only
wear imitations! Instead of Tommy Hilfiger, you buy Tummy's.
Instead of Polo, you buy Polas! Instead of Calvin Klein, you
buy Calvin Klones! Well, I know that you're hurting with money,
but try not to sacrifice your potential! If you want to be the
best, then strive for the best! Get a Porsche, the mansion, the
yacht, the castle-whatever! I know you can do it, but you just
need a little push!
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Wow, you really want to
play football? Great, all you have to do is start today! Forget
about breaking fingernails or high heels. Instead, start focusing
on tackling men, chasing them, then afterwards, taking showers
with them! Damn, if this isn't a good enough reason to start,
then I don't know what is!
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
What's this about you drinking
eggs for breakfast? Great! I know I'm into fitness so keep it
up! I also recommend protein bars and protein shakes-some that
have at least 30-50 grams of protein! Take advantage of all the
stuff that's out there, and start learning about your health
today! God knows you should take care of your body, because if
you don't, nobody else will!
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Stop burping and cutting
farts in front of people! Be proper and learn some good mannerisms.
Well, for starts, you can open the door for your man, throw your
coat on the ground for him, or buy him some flowers! I know it
seems like a lot of work, but you owe it to yourself to become
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
What? You're still cheating
on your man?! But he's a great guy! He's been there for you and
has helped you with your problems-not to mention, he even gets
along with your parents! He's the one who I strongly suggest
you consider marrying! Come on, it's not the 80s, 90s, anymore.
It's the 00s and it's time to settle down!
(Feb. 19-March 20)
Why do you feel un-sexy,
un-worthy, un-good-looking, and un-handsome? You're not any of
those things- so stop using the "un" in your life!
Look at yourself in the mirror and start telling yourself that
you got it all! You got a man, a good job, a peaceful life-and
you got your fabulous La Chicharona! xoxoxo!
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