off to Nueva York for me...
...your favorite diva La Chicharona!
It may still be a bit cold for me to wear my backless dress,
but oh well, I'm sure I can find some fine New York papi chulo,
like the boy to the right, to help me keep warm until spring
comes around. Any of you fine New York boyz wanna volunteer?
Or maybe one of you qvReaders out there can help me stay warm.
Hmm...I can feel the flaming queens already starting to melt
the snow. Well, La Chicharona's hotter than all you "girlz"
put together because I can read all of you-all at once. So let's
see what I have in store for you in my Wonder Bra. Read on while
my Bronx boys treat me to their delicious pasteles.
(March 21-April 19)
da di, li da di... You'll be singing like a true diva, or shall
I say, "don," 'cuz everything will go your way-especially
in regards to your finances! You never knew it, but you're a
financial whiz! Now go make La Chicharona some money, and buy
me that diamond ring-and a Coach bag! And with your love life,
don't go lookin' for it at a club 'cuz you'll be "looking
for love in all the wrong places." Instead, try clocking
someone in a more professional environment And no, I'm not talking
about meeting up with some hooker!
(April 20-May 20)
Damn, baby! Get ready for a
make-over! Be the fabulous model that you are and let your true
colors come out-may I suggest a nice new tone of blush to help?
Let your true fashion sense see you through. And no, you can't
borrow my red dress-or my silk stockings! And as for making over
your attitude, stop being a hard head-even though I do love hard
(May 21-June 21)
Do you really think people don't
care about you? Get over it because it's all in your mind. In
fact, more men will start surrounding you and demanding your
attention. And as hard as it may seem, you'll get to the point
where you'll finally say, "Leave me alone!" And that'll
be perfectly fine by La Chicharona as I'll say, "Yum...more
men for me!" So clear your mind, show off that personal
magnetism, and choose one of the many men who will soon come
into your life!
||CANCER (June 22-July 22)
Oh no! What's
this I hear about you going domestic on me? I heard about your
wild past, and I thought you were going to be the one to show
me the rough necks in Nueva York. It's hard to believe you finally
found one man! So if the flames of love are heating up, then
watch out as I see a ring for you in the near future. (And no,
sucio! I'm not talking about the kind you put on your private
(July 23-Aug. 23)
Why are you being so bitchy?
Could it be your time of the month? Male PMS, perhaps? Get your
head out of the sand, and start being nice to everyone! It's
okay to stand tall and be as tough as a lion, but show a little
heart! Get out of your cage and run like the wind. Help others
in need, and you'll feel like the queen...I mean king...of the
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Are you the six million
dollar man? Because if you are, you can sure use your bionics
on me! Of course, I'm very picky about my men: I only like the
ones who have power and money! Just kidding...I mean men who
have a heart. But anyway, you'll be having a "Power Play
Month" in which you turn dust into gold, pennies into dollars,
boys into men! You'll have the Midas Touch, and you'll be the
envy of a lot of people, but share the gold with them. Be a true
gentleman, and lavish all the men in your life with gifts! And
when it comes to money, baby, you can turn my plastic earrings
into diamonds and pearls, any day.
||LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
You are going
to shine like a star! Look out Madonna, Britney-and RuPaul! Here's
comes a new diva-and just like the Loreál girls, you're
worth it! You'll have your cake and eat it, too. But until then,
you'll be the popsicle on all those William Morris agents' arms.
And if anything, you'll look better than any of those Latin chicas
in "Next Friday." Just take things slowly, pay your
dues, and when you least expect it, you'll blow up-and I mean
blow up big! Hmm...no comment!
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Some people say they can't
trust you because you're so irresponsible. Well, chulo, it's
time to prove them all wrong! Show them that you can be a leader
and make something out of your life. Be the first Latino Einstein,
or the first Latino president. Be ruthless in business, but kind-hearted
to people! Once you do this, you'll find yourself on top-taking
off your tiara and putting on a shiny crown, and only then, will
you now be a full-fledged queen...I mean king!
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Who's my papa? You are!
You da' man. You'll be just like Superman, and everyone will
look up to you as you leap over life's hurdles in a single bound.
Not to mention, in bed, you'll be faster than a speeding bullet
and more powerful than a locomotive! And when you least expect
it, I will jump into your life to be your Wonder Woman. Oh yes,
baby, you can ride me-oops! I mean ride with me in my invisible
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Remember your new year's
resolution to lose weight? Well, don't sweat it, honey! I like
you just the way you are. So if you don't wanna drop that Chalupa,
that's fine! Go ahead and take a big bite-I recommend the one
with nacho cheese! So what if you gain a few pounds...you'll
always be my little tamale, my little Gordita.
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Ooh baby, you look firme!
You look better than Ricky Martin. And your butt? Papi, you can
shake your bon bon for me, anytime! Just one thing, if and when
all the guys suddenly start liking you, it's not going to be
for your money! It's going to be for your heart! But anyway,
enjoy the guys and the attention, but don't let either one get
to your head! Hmm, did that sound right?
(Feb. 19-March 20)
You've got a new attitude,
and it's all about your spontaneity. You're moving up to more
exciting things so let your energy take you to new heights! Go
mountain climbing, bunjee jumping, or hop on Supreme Scream at
Knott's Berry Farm. Try anything that you've always wanted to
do before but were afraid of. After all, you only live once,
so go out and live a little!
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