Can you believe
my dear old auntie Chona has bought herself an apartment in Miami
So I guess she's not coming
back and that I, your lovely, sexy, fabulous La Chicharona, get
to read you your stars! Anyway, did I ever tell you about my
new sexy man, Ren? He's the fiercest guy I've ever dated, and
ohh that's him to your right. He's such a firme, sexy guy, and
he's all mine!
(March 21-April 19)
are going to fall in love with the finest guy on Earth, but there's
one thing I gotta tell ya-he's going to be straight! Straight
to bed, that is! So respect yourself, take things slowly, and
show your "bedroom eyes" man what true romance is all
(April 20-May 20)
Ha! You're going to be on the
Chisme News Network-I mean CNN, and the reporters are going to
ask you some sensitive questions about your sexuality! So what
are you going to say? Hmm, baby, just open the door, come out
to the world, and show your true feminine colors-as if they hadn't
clocked you already!
(May 21-June 21)
An Aries is going to boost your
ego by saying how great you are! All your hard work will pay
off and you will be recognized as Employee of the Year! Hmm...
could this mean a big promotion and a fat raise? Psst..by the
way...you look sexy with your thick wallet-I mean with your hard-working
||CANCER (June 22-July 22)
It seems like
you're going to carry a lot of other people's baggage-but drop
their Samsonites and carry your own. You have a lot of things
to work out, especially with your current man so flex your muscles
and repair the damage. In time, you'll get your just rewards
and the respect of others.
(July 23-Aug. 23)
Be an individual! Separate
yourself from the crowd and develop a unique style. Try changing
your hair color or getting some contacts to make you look ultra-glamorous.
Que lindo! With the new "you," you'll be the most popular
girl around-I mean boy!
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Stop being a bi**h and
appreciate everything your family has done for you. Tell them
how much you love them and take time to give thanks for all the
blessings you have in your life-including having me in your life!
||LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
After being single for months, you've finally found a man. Is
it true you're really considering marriage? If so, I can hardly
wait to attend the ceremony and throw rice on you! Just one thing-will
you be wearing white?
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Contrary to the rumors about
you, you're going to be on top! You're going to be it-a Jacklyn
Smith of Charlie's Angels, but beware of people who might try
to pull you down. Put your heel on the ground and be strong!
After all, no matter what happens to you, you'll always have
your own line of clothing-even if it's sold at the Big K!
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Baby, it looks like you'll
be flying high in your own jet airplane. You'll be wining and
dining at the finest restaurants in the country, but one question
for ya! Where's your man? Better open your heart now because
I see someone coming. Just avoid situations that could cause
a flaming queen to cramp your lavish lifestyle! Ccccrrraash!
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Honey, it's time to get
into shape! Sign up at the gym and work your glutes like crazy.
Ay papi! In no time, you're going to look like those fine-ass
policemen, firemen, and military men that I've always wanted!
And you can come over my house anytime of the day!
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I hear you want to go back
to school. Great! You know, life is journey of hard work, but
getting an education can make the path a lot easier. So enroll
today and pursue a new career path. Go for it and earn that Master's
Degree from UBS-the University of Beauty School!
(Feb. 19-March 20)
Baby, you're full of shh!
I mean, full of sheer talent, and I think it's time for you to
move to Hollywood. Be the funny guy you started out to be and
make 'em laugh. Follow your dreams now, or else things will slip
through your fingers and you'll be doing the same boring 9 to
5 job thing you're doing now!
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