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Hello all
you fine chulos out there!
Well,
it's your fierce, sexy, beautiful, fabulous, glamorous, enchanting
La Chicharona! Once again, I gotta' tell ya-I'm hip! I mean I'm
really really hip! Just check out the latest guy I've been seeing.
His name is sexy Martin, and baby, he's gorgeous. He's a wonderful
man, who even does my laundry, too-and to think we might be married.
Anyway, about my unhip tia La Chona? She's still in Miami, probably
playing bridge or knitting. I thought she would be home by now
to tell you your future, but she's not-maybe she doesn't care,
anymore. But the good news is I get to read your stars again.
So if you hang with me, I'll treat you right-not to mention you'll
be hanging with the best of the best. I might even introduce
you to some of the sexiest men you've ever seen.
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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
You'll
go from shy to outgoing in a matter of seconds-just like when
Diana Prince spun around and turned into Wonder Woman! You'll
feel on top of the world, especially as you look down from your
invisible jet, but keep your head grounded. Be open to new ideas
and new changes. Remember last year, when I bought my first pair
of Victoria's Secret underwear? I changed, and man, I felt like
a woman! Oops! Sorry boys, just got carried away. Ah, what the
hell! Some of you guyz are girlz, anyway. |
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TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
You're beautiful, damn it! So
it's time for you to stop being so concerned about your looks.
Believe me, a lot of guys are after you, so enjoy the attention
and take pride in your beautiful body and handsome face-but don't
get too conceited on me! In terms of your love life, pay no attention
to all the bad things you've heard about Scorpios-there's one
out there whose sting may turn out to be a gentle love tap. |
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GEMINI
(May 21-June 21)
I see you've been trying to click
with the "A" group. Well, try no more because things
are coming to a full circle. People whom you thought hated you
will end up telling you how much they've always liked you. Your
personal magnetism, your sex appeal, and those buns of steel
you've worked so hard to get will make you more desirable. So
enjoy your new friends and put on that animal magnetism that
drives men-and your sexy La Chicharona-wild. |
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CANCER (June 22-July 22)
Money, money,
money! My tea leaves say it's time for you to start focusing
on money. Play the lottery, make some good investments, or save
a penny -whatever it is, make the best choice. Oh yeah! Get ready
for a man to come into your life and tell you that he finds you
simply irresistible. Although you might think he's really a kind
man, be warned. Truth is, he probably wants to get into your
chones-but hey! That may be just what you want, too! |
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LEO
(July 23-Aug. 23)
Are you living in a dream
world? Snap out of it, 'cuz life ain't no dream. Just think of
all the things that have passed you by. Remember the night I
stopped over to see you? That was the real thing, baby. That
was no fantasy! And to think you could have had all of me-160
lbs. of fierce muscle. Too bad you were in "la la"
land so I left you alone. But in the meantime, prepare yourself
for the Y2K. Get rid of your Windows and move to where the grass
is greener-iMac style. |
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VIRGO
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Be responsible! The buck
stops here, so you better listen up. Stay focused on what you
are doing-especially if it has to do with finances. Be sure to
make your credit card payments on time, and pay off that loan
you took out to buy that fierce strand of feminine pearls. If
you don't get on the ball now, your credit rating will plummet,
forcing you to wear drag queen hand-me-downs-like La Chona does
(gasp!). |
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LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
Things are a
little tough in your life, but work hard, get rid of everyone
who pulls you down, and climb up that corporate ladder. Keep
your mind in full gear because intelligence is the way to go.
And one more thing, some Aries man will come into your life and
help you keep your attitude alive. Show this new friend your
heart because it might turn to love. |
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SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
It's time for you to turn
over a new leaf. Make a fresh start in your life and get in touch
with your feminine side. Forget the football, and learn how to
sing-soprano. Send yourself some flowers to show how much you
appreciate yourself and be proud of who you are. |
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SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
What's this I hear about
you going to have a commitment ceremony? Hmmm child, I don't
mean to surprise you, but you're a ho! I ain't sayin' you can't
change, but this is a commitment-and it should be coming from
your heart. The day you say you're a one man man is the day I
will become straight! But in any case, you must do what you must
do. So go live your life, but live it wisely, productively, and
with style! |
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CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It's time to listen to your
friends so keep your mouth shut. If not, they won't be around,
anymore, and you'll find yourself singing the blues. So you being
a friend, you should call up your amigos, invite them out to
dinner, and be the kind-hearted guy that you started out to be.
If you're tempted to say anything bad, just remember the old
saying, "loose lips, sinks ship." |
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AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Mi santo is telling me that
you'll be doing new things that you never thought you would be
doing. Remember Star Search? That will be your time to show your
extraordinary talent-even when you walk down the runway in the
spokesmodel competition. No matter what negative energy abounds,
use it to make yourself more determined. Whip yourself out of
bed, go for the gusto, and walk yourself to the top! |
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PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)
It looks like you'll meet
the man of your dreams in a few weeks! The only thing is...what
to do with your current man. I know you want them both, but avoid
what could be drama. Also, check your pulse! Friends have been
saying that you are not as lively as you use to be. Get your
heart rate up to 120-160, and drink lots of water! Get your energy
level up-because that will help you, especially in the bedroom. |
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