Hola chicos
y chicas!
This is La
Chicharona. My tía, La Chona, is out vacationing in Miami-soaking
in the sun and the men. But don't worry, I will be filling in
and be giving you the 411 on everything. If you think mi tía
La Chona was fierce, just wait until you hear what I have to
say! Unlike my tia viejita, I'm young, lean, mean, and a tough
diva who's gonna tell it to you like it is! I'm much hipper,
too-so if you hang with me, you'll be hanging out with someone
who kicks it with all the cute guys. So get your ass off the
couch and get ready for an active summer that's gonna boil with
excitement! Look out boys, La Chicharona is here!
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ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Ah, you pretty Aries boys are always underestimating yourselves.
Pick up your confidence and go for that fine man you've been
salivating about for the last three months. If you go for it,
you'll get him! And don't be surprised if in a few months, he
ends up slipping a ring on your finger! Chances are he'll be
a Sagittarius, so keep that in mind when you try to figure out
which papi is your perfect match. But don't let this opportunity
slip away, cuz if you do, I'm gonna claim him for myself!
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TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Life may not seem good to you right now, but never fear-La
Chicharona's here to give you some help. Come hang out with me
and my crew, and we'll lead you to a new and improved life. It's
a known fact that I can attract a much hipper crowd than mi tía
Chona-but don't you go tellin' her that I said that. If you stick
with me, you'll find yourself riding a new wave of popularity
while keeping all your old buddies around, too.
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GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
It's time to change that skin care regiment of yours. Put
away those Avon products and move on up to Armani. It's time
to show a new you to the crowd, so come with me to the gym while
we work on our arms, abs, and especially our nalgas. Come to
my "La Chicharona's Step Class" at the 24 Hour Fitness,
and I'll show you some of my patented steps that'll work those
love handles away. Step forward, then shake, turn your hips!
Tauruses, Leos, and Scorpios will be very interested in you this
summer, so keep workin' that ass so you'll be guaranteed to keep
their interest throughout the summer.
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CANCER (June 22-July 22)
It's time for you to learn La Chicharona's Golden Rule: Tell
people like it is. Don't be afraid to correct yourself or other
people-especially when it comes to relationships. Take it from
me, when you're straight up with a guy, he'll have more respect
for you. Another tip: watch out for your flirtatious inclinations
because they may get you in trouble and maybe even cost you your
man. It's okay to flirt, just don't let yourself get too carried
away. Wepa!
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LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
It's time for you to learn how to control your appetite! It
seems to me that lately you've been eating more than you can
handle. So if someone offers you two servings, kindly take just
one. Go easy on the fat and carbs, and high on the protein so
that you can build muscle and maintain that modelo figure that
you've been working so hard to get. Geminis and Virgos make good
work out buddies for the summer time, but exactly what kind of
work out, I'm not too sure-maybe en la cama!
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VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Ay papa! Don't let yourself become superficial this summer.
Be proud of who you are and just like the color of mi pelo, stay
true to your roots. You have a good group of friends around you
who understand you and your personality, and who won't be fooled
by you trying to be someone else. So let them know that you care
for them and support them-nnnnNow!
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LIBRA (Sept. 24-oct. 22)
You got the power! You'll be handed more responsibility. Don't
let the pressure get to you-take it one step at a time, and you'll
be able to handle it just fine. It will be a learning experience
that will give you a greater ability to deal with men, money,
and more. It'll teach you how keep your man wrapped right around
your finger-kinda the way I am able to control my men-oops!-I
mean my man.
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SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Oye, chico. You need to watch out for speeding fires. What
I mean is that you've been moving too quickly with your relationships.
If you don't slow down, you may get burned. Try to put more romance
into your relationships and take things slower than you usually
do. The slower you go, the better the relationship will develop.
If you take it slowly, you'll find yourself looking more sexy
both inside and out than you've ever dreamed you could be-just
like I'm more sexy than mi tía Chona.
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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Summer is a great time for you to start al fresco. Your sensuality,
sexuality, and personal magnetism will be very strong throughout
the summer. ¡Qué rico! You're just like plaintains-simply
brown and sweet. Take initiative and show off your new sensual
and personal magnetism-you'll be the envy of all the other guys.
And as if that weren't enough, get ready for a fine lookin' Leo
to come into your life and really turn you into one a happy papi
chulo.
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CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It's time to decide what course in life you want to take.
Okay, okay, I know it's the summer time and you'd rather be out
working on your tan, but before you do that, you need to reexamine
your plans for the future. While it may be tempting to stay on
familiar ground, you should really try exploring new territory
and setting higher goals. While all this is going on, you'll
meet a Cancer who will be willing to get serious with you. He
might even bring up the subject of marriage-and raising kids.
Stay cool and get to know this person really well. If you do,
you will find this person to be someone with a good personality,
and you'll be in for one hell of a good time with Señor
Cancer.
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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Stay confident! Lately, you've been really hard on yourself
because of your foibles. Take things a little less seriously
and learn to laugh off your mistakes, while at the same time,
learning from them. If you embarrass yourself in front of your
friends or a new romantic interest, turn on your natural charm
and laugh it off. You've got a good heart-now's the time to use
it. Try volunteering some time with a good charity.
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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
You're in for a role reversal. People who've said that you're
a loner will be the fools in the end. You'll no longer be the
quiet one! Instead, you'll become the life of everything! Be
cool and show dem fools that you've got fashion, style, and sexuality.
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