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 Confession
of an AOL Addict
Okay. It's true.
I'm addicted to the Internet. More specifically, I'm an America
Online addict. How did this happen? Well, it all started a year
and a half ago when I invested some money into buying a computer.
It was for "professional development purposes," I told
myself. But after being bombarded with hundreds of floppy disks
proclaiming "15 free hours" of America Online, I decided
to give it a shot and see what the whole thing was all about.
At first, it was nothing spectacular enough to make me get
too excited. I got e-mail, had access to news information whenever
I wanted, found some neat video games to download, and was able
to browse the "world wide web," which didn't seem to
run all that fast - a problem I quickly remedied by boosting
the memory in my computer.
Then I found them: chat rooms. With names like "Los Angeles
m4m", "Los Angeles m4m Now", and the ever-popular
"Latino m4m", how could I resist? It all started innocently
enough - a little conversation here, another one there. Soon
the little conversations evolved into hours of conversations
that ranged from talking about music and movies to flirting.
Sexuality seems to rule in cyber world and so my next step involved
trading some x-rated GIFs, not of me of course, but of other
firme Latinos (for those not familiar with internet, GIFs are
what we call photos that have been electronically scanned). I
must say, I've acquired quite an extensive library of GIFs on
my computer in the year and a half I've been online. Then came
the discovery of cybersex - typing dirty things to other guys
and seeing how aroused I can get them. The anonymous nature of
the internet opened me up to doing things I wouldn't normally
do or say in person. It's a bit silly to me and I usually find
myself laughing my head off, envisioning what the other guy is
doing as I describe to him all sorts of sexual things. Nevertheless,
it can be a lot of fun to just be able to say anything that comes
to mind. It's a world of fantasy where anything you say goes,
and where even the shyest guy can take on a completely different
personality.
Eventually, it came time to meet some of the more seemingly
"normal" homeboys that were behind the other screens.
I've met several people this way. Some have become good friends
while others, I have never seen again since I met them. Most
of the rendezvous were highlighted by a hug, a handshake, or
even less. This is mainly because the guys were not all that
they claimed to be, and their photos just didn't truly represent
their appearances. Other meetings, however....well let's not
go there. Unfortunately, finding true love on the internet has
been elusive to me. Then again, where can you find true love?
The clubs? The party lines? The gym? Church? Anything's possible
I say, but don't get your hopes up too high.
What's sort of ironic is that the coolest people I've met
online are ones that I've never met in person. I have several
of these relationships. Some I've known since I first logged
on over a year ago, and we have become like "personal psychotherapists"
to each other. These are people with whom I can share my problems
and frustrations as well as my good times in a non-threatening
and open environment. Even while I was in a short-lived committed
relationship (ironically, with a person I didn't meet through
AOL), they were there to listen to me bitch about it, give advice,
and cheer me up. Today, we still bitch, but mostly about our
jobs, our boredom, our romantic affairs, and so forth. And we
congratulate each other when things are going well.
But despite all the cool people and not-so-cool people I've
met, I often find myself wondering how it is I can spend so much
time on this damn computer. I spend more time online than I do
watching television. I get home from work, and I can't wait to
check my e-mail to see if someone sent me anything. I suppose
it could be worse in that my addiction could be to drugs or alcohol.
It's not like it gets in the way of my goals or my job, though
I have noticed I have to be more careful when I write a memo
at work because I tend to use a lot of the abbreviations that
I use when I type online. And aside from my friends getting a
busy signal because I'm online, I can't say that my social life
has suffered too much. Then again, I didn't have much of one
to begin with, anyway!
So where does this all end? Does it have to? What's wrong
with sitting in front of my computer screen for an hour or so
every day and chatting with people from all over the country?
It's cheaper than party lines...only $19.95 a month...and I split
that cost with my roommate so it's less than $10. And I actually
do sometimes use it for professional purposes and for doing research
on projects. What could be more convenient? I'm single, so it's
not like I'm out to cheat on anyone. Maybe I am an addict, but
you know what, I can live with it. So now that I've settled that,
it's time for me to go log on.... :-)
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